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Church Humor A Bad Fall The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony." Memorial Stone "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats." Two-faced Lincoln One day Lincoln met a woman riding on horseback in the wood. She "looked at me intently, and said, 'I do believe you are the ugliest man I ever saw.' Said I, 'Madam, you are probably right, but I can't help it.' 'No,' said she, 'you can't help it, but you might stay at home." Posted for April 2008 The Day Satan Came One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." The Dry Sermon A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and the rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" After the sermon the preacher sat down. The deacon stood up: "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We Shall Gather at the River.'" Hot Air? My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button." Sign for the Time A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?" Posted for Dec 2007 |
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