Church Humor

Some Thoughts for Living
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


A Flying Frog Funny
Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well.
The geese laughed and said "you're just a frog- you can't fly!" The frog knew that he didn't want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.
"I got an idea!" the frog said. He found a long stick. "You two hold this stick in your claws and I'll hold on to the middle."
"With what?" the geese asked. "Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!"
"With my mouth" said the frog, proud of his idea.
So the geese put the stick in there claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.
A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, "What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?"
The frog proudly exclaimed "I did!"

A Freebie Funny
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it -- you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal - looks to good to be true - so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.

A Genie Funny
A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.  "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.  "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."
 

Posted for Feb 2009

The Tippling Nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so"

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

The Wired Preacher

 The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" 

Taxi Driver in Heaven

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'